A Home Improvement Guide by Matthew
MATERIALS:
- 2 collapsable saw horses
- 1 Hammer
- 1 Screwdriver, slightly larger than the interior of a hinge post-hole
- 1 Screwdriver, slightly smaller than the interior of a hinge post-hole
- 1 Vehicle, for repeated trips to hardware store
- 1 broken down cardboard box (or more)
- 1 Box of chocolate-filled Joe-Joe's
2. Swear at the door. You know this is coming; might as well get a warm-up in.
3. Go to Lowe's. (You can start at Home Depot. It doesn't matter, as long as you switch later. For these instructions, we are starting at Lowe's.) Guestimate the correct door sweep (aka the only one on the shelf that does not have crap going up the front and back of the door). Purchase it. Acknowledge it is probably the wrong one.
4. Drive home. Open garage door. Swear at cats that run into garage and will probably be urinating somewhere. (Aren't you glad you warmed up in step 2?) Chase cats out of garage.
5. Bring sawhorses into house, just inside the door. Set them up. It is essential to do this NOW, because if you wait you might realize you aren't actually going to use them and won't do it later.
6. Locate your hammer and the screwdriver that is slightly larger than the interior of the door hinge post holes. Attempt to tap out door hinge posts. Swear at screwdriver.
7. Get smaller screwdriver. Repeat step 6 with smaller screwdriver. (Since it should work this time, you can omit the swearing. Unless you are on a roll.) Put one post in your pocket; place the other two just out of reach.
8. Lift door off the hinges. This is where you will be happy you got in your warm-up swearing. If you did not warm up, you could potentially injure yourself and your relationship with the HOA with the swearing you will do at this point.
9. Realize there is no way in hell you are going to get the door up on the sawhorses. GENTLY lay the door on the carpet and the box you have placed on the hardwood.
10. Examine the sweep. Realize 1) the sweep is much worse than you thought and 2.) the one you purchased is completely wrong. Swearing is optional at this point, since you were pretty sure the one you bought in step 3 was wrong to start with.
11. Actually consider leaving the door off while you run to Lowe's. Think about how much you trust your neighbors and the nature of man in general.
12. Rehang door, minus the sweep. This is when it is essential that you placed a couple of the hinge posts just out of reach. Swear some more.
13. Drive to Lowe's. Have "Returns" women completely fail to acknowledge your existence while they refund you for wrong sweep. Learn way to much about their personal lives.
14. Go back to aisle of the doors. Realize some S.O.B. filled three slots (including the one that should have the sweep you need) with the same (wrong) sweep, probably figuring no one would notice until he went home. Reflect upon his immediate family, particularly his mother's marital relationship with his father as well as her potential relationships with other men.
15. Remember the "buy local" message you got at the show last night. Stride from the store with your head held high in righteous local-consumerism.
16. Drive out of the way to locally-owned hardware store.
17. Discover the local store not only doesn't have the sweep you need, they had never even seen one like it. .....At least they're friendly about it.
18. Drive to the Home Depot you passed on your way to local store. Have helpful employee immediately hand you the sweep you need.
19. Cleverly use the "self checkout." Watch 4 people with six items each go through regular check-out while you try to convince register to take your ten-dollar bill. Swear.
20. Return home. Go into garage. Chase cats out of garage.
21. Remove door. More swearing. Remember to put at least 1, preferably 2 posts just out of reach.
22. Insert sweep into slots on bottom of door. Reflect on how easily it went in.
23. Realize only one side went in. Swear. Remove sweep.
24. Attempt to put both long tabs of sweep into slots in door. Convince yourself you are using logical processes, even though you are cramming it in fairly randomly.
25. Succeed in getting the sweep on. Acknowledge you have no idea how it happened.
26. Re-hang door. Realize 1-2 posts are just out of reach. Swear.
27. Succeed in rehanging door. Open and shut door several times, listening to the satisfying sound it now makes. Consider throwing water at door to see if it does, in fact keep water out. Reject that idea. Wait for rain.
28. Clean dirty/greasy fingerprints off of door.
29. Return materials to garage.
30. Chase cats out of garage while getting in some end-of-project swearing.
31. Get the box of Joe-Joe's. Open it.
32. Eat them.
